


What An Idiot

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Confusion, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, Oblivious, Pining, flirting fail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 00:43:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1025321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kili is terrible at flirting, so Fili shows him how it's done. Kili is less than amused. Cue jealousy and bets being made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What An Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally broke down and wrote something for the Hobbit. Now that the floodgates are open, I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. Humor is not really my forte, but I thought I'd give it a try. It sort of merges the book and the movie versions. Comments are lovely, of course.

Staying in Rivendell turned out to not be as bad as Thorin and his company had originally thought it would be. It gave them a chance to rest and replenish their supplies, as well as fill their stomachs, even if the choice of food was not ideal to the dwarves. Despite their general dislike of the elves, most of the company was happy to be there, save for Thorin and his sister-son Kili. Thorin simply felt that elves should not be trusted and was eager to continue the quest, but his sister-son was unhappy for an entirely different reason. 

Kili gritted his teeth as he watched Bilbo shamelessly flirted with one of the elves across the room. His eyes were shining as he smiled at whatever the blonde-elf had said, and Kili’s jealousy was churning in his stomach. What was so great about elves anyway? They all looked far too feminine and weak if you asked the dark-haired dwarf. Bilbo was not the strongest hobbit himself, so he needed someone who was much tougher and could protect him; someone like Kili. 

It was no secret among any of the company that Kili had a soft spot for the hobbit. His playful teasing had become a daily occurrence, and he managed to find plenty of excuses to touch the hobbit, whether it was a light pat on the back or the brush of fingers when he handed Bilbo his dinner. In fact, the only one who could not see youngest dwarf’s crush was the very object of his affection. Bilbo remained completely oblivious to Kili’s feelings and attempts at flirting. 

Most of the dwarves simply ignored it, choosing not to get involved with personal matters, but Fili would tease his little brother endlessly when the burglar was not around. Kili had never been interested in anyone enough to actually try and flirt with them or show off, and so he was not very good at it, which amused Fili greatly. 

After what seemed like an eternity, dinner was finally over and the company made their way to bed. Kili noticed with more than a little displeasure that Bilbo seemed quite disappointed about leaving his conversation with the elf. Before they even reached their rooms, Kili found that his jealousy overtook him, and he could not hold his tongue.

“I didn’t realize elves were your type,” he said bitterly. Bilbo didn’t seem to notice his tone though and merely shrugged. 

“I guess it’s just nice to be flirted with. He was complimenting me and being very sweet.” Kili fell silent, his mind pondering the statement. Didn’t Bilbo realize that Kili had been flirting with him since the beginning of the quest? Perhaps he was being too subtle for the hobbit. He would have to be more obvious. 

The next day, he approached the burglar as the company sat around the fire. “Your ears,” he started and Bilbo regarded him curiously as the other dwarves in the room looked on, wondering where this was going. 

“They’re not pointy like elves, so that’s good.” Bilbo blinked in surprise and spluttered in shock for a moment. 

“Umm, thank you?” he said, confusion evident on his face. The rest of the dwarves raised their eyebrows in amusement and exchanged glances, while Fili had to force himself not to laugh out loud. Realizing that this had not gone as planned, Kili huffed and walked away, pouting for the rest of the day. 

The following morning, Kili, Fili, Bilbo, Bifur and Bofur were exploring the gardens. Kili didn’t think it was too impressive for he had never been a huge fan of plants, but Bilbo seemed enraptured. He looked at the flowers in awe and commented on how lovely the hibiscus and lilacs were. Kili pulled a bundle of lilacs from the ground and thrust them at the burglar, roots still on. He felt very proud of himself, thinking that Bilbo would certainly understand that he was flirting now. However, Bilbo just took them in confusion before his face finally settled into an annoyed, disappointed look. 

“Just because you don’t like the elves, doesn’t mean you should be rude to them and tear up their garden.” He walked away, leaving Kili gaping after him. Bifur and Bofur had to bite their lips to stifle their laughter, and Fili snorted. His brother was an idiot. 

Things only seemed to go downhill from there for poor Kili. At dinner the next evening, he tried to pull out Bilbo’s chair for him to sit, but the hobbit missed the chair entirely and fell onto the floor. He looked up at the dwarf in anger. 

“What was that for?!” Kili flushed and mumbled an apology before taking his seat, ignoring the laughs that his companions were not even bothering to hide. This was not going well. 

The day after the unfortunate chair incident, he quietly handed the burglar a dagger that he had bought from the elves. It was light to the touch and there were little emeralds along the handle. 

“I want you to have this,” he said nervously. Bilbo stared at it in awe and marveled at the beauty and craftsmanship. Fili was rather impressed. His little brother had managed to do something right. 

“But, but why?” the hobbit managed out. Kili was taken aback by the question. Wasn’t it obvious? He had just assumed that Bilbo would understand the meaning behind the gift, but apparently not, and he wasn’t sure what to say. 

He panicked and blurted out “because you need to be able to protect yourself so we won’t have to look out for you.” Fili gaped at him and mentally smacked himself. What. An. Idiot. 

The hobbit’s face flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. “Well, sorry to be such an inconvenience,” he spat out and stormed off. 

Thorin raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Kili looked positively devastated at the burglar’s response and left the room with his eyes downcast. It was then that Fili realized that his brother really was hopeless. All Kili had managed to do was confuse, insult, offend, and even hurt the hobbit. Fili, being the good big brother that he was, would have to intervene and help him. 

Gloin apparently mirrored his thoughts and he sighed. “Kili is quite terrible at this. It’s getting rather pathetic, and I, for one, don’t feel like watching this go on for the rest of the journey. We need to do something.” 

Fili’s mind formulated a plan quickly and he grinned. “I bet ten pence that I can get them together by two nights from now.” Everyone regarded him doubtfully and they all took the bet, save for Bofur, who had figured out Fili’s plan immediately and grinned at its genius. 

The next morning, Fili sat down next to Bilbo at breakfast and said casually, but loud enough for Kili to hear, “You know, Bilbo, you have the most enchanting eyes. I could look at them all day,” he flashed an innocent smile, and Bilbo blushed and stammered out a thank you. From the other side of the table, he could feel Kili gape at him in confusion and shock. 

After lunch, Fili returned from the garden with a single hibiscus-without the root- and offered it to Bilbo with a smile. “I picked this for you. I remember you saying that you liked them when we were in the garden, and I wanted you to have one to remember Rivendell by.” Bilbo grinned shyly and thanked Fili once again, another small blush gracing his features. Aside him, Kili was seething with anger, and Fili mentally applauded himself. This was too easy. 

The next morning, Fili held the door open for the hobbit with a simple, “after you,” and was rewarded with yet another smile from Bilbo, although he was more than a little confused at the sudden attention. Kili glared daggers at him and gritted his teeth. It was time for the final step of the plan. 

That afternoon, Fili presented Bilbo with a simple blue handkerchief. “I thought you could use this seeing as you left yours at home. The color brings out your eyes,” Fili smiled and Bilbo practically beamed up at him. 

“Thank you so much, Fili. That was so kind of you!” Before anything else could be said, Fili felt a body hurl into him and knock him to the ground. Kili was on top of him and trying to hit him, but Fili held his wrists tightly. His brother was strong, but Fili was stronger and Kili struggled against his hold. 

Poor Bilbo looked completely shocked and confused at the sudden turn of events. “What—“ he started, but seemed unaware of how to finish. 

The jealousy flashed in Kili’s eyes as he tried to punch his brother. “You dunghill rat! I can’t believe you would try to steal my hobbit from me.” 

Bilbo's mouth fell open in shock. “Wait, what?!” Everyone ignored him, and Fili rolled his eyes.

“I wasn’t trying to steal him, I was just trying to show you how proper flirting is done.” With that, Dwalin pulled Kili off the elder brother, and they both stood up. 

Bilbo’s eyes were wide as he practically screamed, “Will someone please tell me what is going on?” Fili was the one to answer and he gestured at Kili. 

“My brother likes you. He’s been trying to flirt with you, but he’s horrible at it.” Kili dropped his head to avoid the hobbit’s gaze as his cheeks colored in embarrassment. It took several moments, but realization finally dawned on Bilbo. The burglar’s face softened as he stepped towards the dark-haired dwarf. 

“Is that true?” Kili sighed and nodded, biting his lip nervously and still refusing to meet the other’s stare. 

“You idiot,” Bilbo said fondly and laughed quietly. Kili’s head shot up, hurt and anger obvious on his face. He was about to say that his feelings were not some joke to laugh at when he realized the affectionate look on the other’s face. He closed his mouth quickly and swallowed nervously as Bilbo continued. 

“You didn’t have to do all that stuff to get my attention. You already had it.” Kili mouth hung open in shock, before his face split into a hopeful grin. “Really?” Bilbo nodded and stepped forward, placing a chaste kiss to the dwarf’s lips. 

Kili looked like he was going to burst from excitement, and all the dwarves clapped and cheered, causing Bilbo to blush at the attention. Even Thorin smiled a little. Wanting to get away from the company’s prying eyes (for Bilbo sweared they gossiped more than female hobbits), he suggested they go for a walk. Kili happily agreed, taking the burglar’s hand in his own and walking out the door. 

After they left, several coin purses were thrown at Fili with several comments along the lines of “Nice job, lad.” He bowed jokingly as he thought about how lucky Kili was to have such an awesome big brother.


End file.
